1. Go to Lund's or Byerly's and buy yourself a bag of chocolate. You've already screwed yourself by paying too much. You're on your way! Eat the first ten pieces as fast as you can. Inhale, don't chew. Save the wrappers and fold them into pretty, shiny little shapes. Continue until there are three pieces left. Feel the dopamine rush through your system as you savor the last few pieces. Now, count the wrappers and multiply by serving size and calorie count. Added bonus: remember that your pants were too tight before you ate the chocolate.
2. Pick out a yearbook from your choice of high school years. Open to the page with your picture. Remember all the things you wanted to be when you grew up. Compare those things to what you are now. Added bonus: remember how fat you felt on picture day and compare that to your current size.
3. Call your mother.
4. Compare your number of facebook friends to your ex's. Added bonus: note how thin, young and happy he/she looks now.
5. Pick out the most random musical instrument you can find. Buy it (try to pay too much, if you can), and an instruction book. Refuse the sales clerk's help, making sure to tell him, "How hard could it be?" Go home and begin to play without reading the instruction book. Continue for at least two hours every night for one week. Read the instruction book cover to cover. Comprehension is not required. Pick up the instrument and again attempt to play it for two hours, or until you begin crying. Place the expensive and unused instrument in the most visible spot in your home to remind you of your failure.
6. Prepay for at least 12 sessions of an intermediate yoga class. Assume the beginners class is just "breathing." Before your first class, go out and buy a mat, blocks, straps, toe socks, grip gloves, towel, outfits, and color coordinating water bottle. On the first day of class, place yourself in the front row, right in front of the instructor. Added bonus: attempt all advanced poses.
7. Cut your own hair. Added bonus: do this while on your period.
8. Divide your hourly wage by 60 to determine how much money you make per minute. Added bonus: remember why you went to college.
9. Take a position in the service industry. If that is not humbling enough, add havoc by disconnecting part of the computer system just long enough to frustrate customers during the busiest time of day. When customers get snippy with you, disconnect your brain filter and make snide, off the cuff remarks under your breath until at least one customer catches you. Added bonus: do this within 10 feet of your boss.
10. Blog about your life.
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